Not Dead

I just wanted to let everybody know, and by everybody I mean both of the people who ever visit this site, that I am not dead. I've just been moving and I don't have internet access yet. I should get it today though. And I've been busy at work because I took an extra day last week to move.

Yesterday I destroyed an old couch that I didn't want to move or pay to have hauled away. It was in shreds from my dog and was pretty much just wood and springs. I took a sawsall and bolt cutters to it and tore it apart enough that it fit in my trunk. Moving is great, eh?

Mitch Hedberg Quotations

Though we will never have Mitch back, we can at least read a long list of his jokes. They were better when he told them, but they will still make you laugh.

Go Bucks

The Ohio State Buckeyes pulled off a win yesterday.
Even with the Michigan superfan rooting against them.

Chuck Norris Facts

Many of you may not be aware of the many exploits of Chuck Norris. I suggest you read this read below to catch up.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquillizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Chuck Norris. Fuck you, team.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time.
He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Chuck Norris's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck Norris replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris accidentally invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris created Scientology as an April Fool’s Joke one year. To his dismay, no one has gotten it.

Support Scrubs

No, not the TLC song like you were thinking. I'm talking about the NBC show that has been strangely absent from the airwaves this fall. It's not my favorite or anything but I still think it should continue. You can learn more at this website.

Disgusting

When I read the headline for this story about a mom who was recently sentenced to 30 years in prison for having sex parties with high school students, I thought awe-some! Then I found out what she looked like. Apparently she gave the kids booze and drugs. Big surprise there. I mean, she's not exactly Stiffler's mom. Even as a desperate teen I wouldn't have touched her in a million years without a hardy helping of Jack Daniels and methamphetamines. Ok, I just wouldn't touch her at all.

Save Arrested Development

Arrested Development, one of the funniest shows ever created, will soon be canceled. Fox has cut 5 episodes from what was left of this season. It won't be new again until December 5th. It would seem that the show is doomed unless it is picked up by another network. While I've thought this season hasn't been as funny as the last two (Farasey don't hate me), I still don't think they should give it the axe. If you agree, you can sign this petition. Unless you're scared.

Rejected Crayons

There is a site that lists some fake rejected crayon shades. I will admit I didn't laugh until the last one.

Hanna'd

Though it will never be as funny as being Munson'd, I guess if someone is beaten badly we can now say they were Hanna'd. On Friday night the Hanna High School basketball team of Earlsboro, Oklahoma lost 112-2. And the opposing team even pulled their starters for the second half. I just don't understand how you could actually score 2 points and then never score again. I guess I would understand 112-0 a little more. Where is Scott Howard when you need him?

Ultimate Jell-O Shot

I don't necessarily condone drinking/eating Jell-O shots on a regular basis unless you are a freshman in college. Drinking should take much more effort. But if you're going to do it, you might as well read about this science experiment that determined the maximum amount of alcohol you can add before the shot won't congeal.

Kill Bill Prequel

Apparently Quentin Tarantino is working on an animated prequel to the Kill Bill films. Nothing more to say really, I'm just happy about it. Read the info here.

iSitWhereIWantTo

Jim Leftwich created this page that I thought was cool.

Burger King Guy

The guy running onto the field at the end of the Bengals game was funny, but finding out that he went to high school with Farasey makes it even better. I was surprised that he made it as far as he did before security nailed him. Actually, I was surprised that none of the players took him out. Favre didn't really seem upset, but I guess he was just glad that if he had to give up the ball again that it wasn't to Tory James or Deltha O’Neal.

There is now a nice video of this where they've actually superimposed the Burger King Guy into the clip.

What's superimposed?